Top Ten Lists from David Letterman

Top Ten Things Overheard at Saddam Hussein's Dinner Last Night

10. "Uday, are you going to eat that pickle?"
9. "Bunker for six, please"
8. "You have some shwarma in your mustache"
7. "A double for me and a double for my double"
6. "I know we're winning the war, but there do seem to be an awful lot of American tanks around"
5. "What was I thinking putting 5,000 dinars on Kansas?
4. "Can we still have these weekly dinners when we're in hell?"
3. "What do you mean Bloomberg won't let us smoke in here?"
2. "Kaboom"
1. "More salad, Geraldo?"

Top Ten Things I can Only Say Tonight (Seinfeld Finale)

10. "I don't listen to a damn thing the guests say."
9. "Attention, I.R.S. -- I haven't paid my taxes since 1973."
8. "The Ed Sullivan Theater is filled with deadly radon."
7. "To be honest, I kind of like that Celine Dion 'Titanic' song."
6. "I'm about to sell 'Hard Copy' a sex tape of me and Jerry Springer."
5. "My phone number is 212-975-6628."
4. "Sometimes I feel like there's an angry black woman inside of me trying to get out."
3. "I like to watch 'Melrose Place' in my underwear."
2. "Oprah was right -- if you eat beef, you'll die!"
1. "Paul Shaffer...I love you."

Top Ten Surprises in Final Episode of Seinfeld

10. Entire plot revolves around a mob of angry Puerto Ricans trying to light Kramer on fire.
9. Fonzie moves to L.A.
8. You finally get to see what Godzilla looks like.
7. At the end, the head of NBC prime time programming hangs himself.
6. Cameo appearance by George Michael as "Slave of His Domain."
5. "Soup Nazi" hunted down by "Soup Simon Wiesenthal."
4. Elaine goes nuts and does it with Newman.
3. Episode is basically 75 minutes of Jerry counting his money.
2. What's the difference -- the damn show got canceled.
1. The show isn't really ending, it's just moving to CBS.

Top Ten Least Useful College Majors

10. Stamp-licking
9. Shopping For Scarves
8. Guesstimation
7. The Physics of Chair-Throwing on "Jerry Springer"
6. English Accents: Why They Sound So Fruity
5. Comparative Blinking
4. Counting Backwards From 10 to 1 (with department head David Letterman)
3. Mellon Balling
2. The Ethnobiosocioanthropsycho-pharmacolinguistics of Fudge
1. Lee Majors

Top Ten Things the Government Doesn't Want You to Know

As presented by "X-Files" star Gillian Anderson...

10. Eight of our last ten presidents were secretly named "Stewie."
9. There's no such place as "North Dakota."
8. Your social security number contains coded information about what you look like naked.
7. Al Gore is the result of a cross-breeding experiment between a man and a coffee table.
6. You know that "Titanic" song everyone loves? It was actually recorded by Saddam Hussein.
5. The last episode of "Seinfeld" is kind of disappointing.
4. The entire Cuban missil crisis was staged by Jerry Springer.
3. Due to a navigational error, Neil Armstrong actually landed in Wilmington, Delaware.
2. The "Late Show" is a secret CIA operation designed to cure insomnia.
1. Ten cents on every tax dollar goes directly to Oprah.

Top Ten Things My Mom Said To Me When I was Growing Up

10. "What did I tell you about putting on mommy's lip gloss?"
9. "Remember, David, you're only here because the gypsies didn't want you."
8. "Comb your hair, or it'll look that way when you're 51."
7. "Yes, David, you're very funny -- now finish your Prozac."
6. "Of course I'll be your prom date."
5. "With grades like these, you'll have to go to Ball State."
4. "Look at all the empty chairs we invited to your birthday party."
3. "Next time you'll have to raise your own bail money."
2. "I know what you're doing in there."
1. "Time for bed, Steve, or whatever the hell your name is."

Top Ten Ways "The Wizard of Oz" Would be different if it were made Today

10. Grisly scene in which Dorothy blasts flying monkeys out of the sky with an Uzi.
9. "Katie bar the door! There's a giant asteroid headed straight for Oz!"
8. Dorothy steps outside and says, "Like, this is so not Kansas!"
7. Instead of "oil", Tin Man moans, "Viagra."
6. Kathie Lee Gifford plays Dorothy -- audience roots for witch.
5. It would be called "Twister 2."
4. To prepare for his role as the Scarecrow, DeNiro would have his brain removed.
3. Lovable dog Toto replaced by lovable droi T O T O.
2. "Lions and tigers and bears, oh sh**!"
1. New title -- "Wiz Got Game."

Top Ten Rejected Mob Euphemisms For Killing a Guy

10. Validate his parking stub.
9. Cancel his subscription to "Life" magazine.
8. Decaffeinating his espresso.
7. Celining his Dion.
6. Moving his show to CBS.
5. Feeding him a Taco bell death-burrito supreme.
4. Giving him tickets to a John Tesh concert.
3. Introducing him to Lorne Greene.
2. Get him a room at the "I'm-Not-Alive-Anymore" Hotel.
1. Killing him.

Top Ten Cool Things about Dating the President's Daughter

10. Can send the Secret Service guy into 7-11 to buy you beer.
9. "U.S. Ambassador to Stanford"? You got it!
8. Good way to make your former girlfriend Madeline Albright really jealous.
7. That chemistry teacher who gave you a "D"? Deported to Iraq.
6. When he says, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do," you're in business, my friend.
5. Beats the hell out of that one night stand you had with Lloyd Bentsen's niece.
4. Great free investment advice from Hillary.
3. If you bring her home late, you can claim Kenneth Starr was questioning you for hours.
2. At restaurants, when the bill comes, she just says, "Put it on the national debt."
1. She knows where he keeps the pot.

Top Ten Things I, Dave, Have Learned Over the Last 1,000 Shows

10. For an old guy, Hugh Downs can really throw a punch.
9. Animals: Cute. Animals that urinate on the host: Hilarious!
8. If your guest is a stamp collector, make sure he brings he stamps, or it'll be a tough eight minutes.
7. Two words: Pre-show Daiquiri.
6. Let's just say, Ellen is definitely not a lesbian.
5. Some guests take offense when you introduce them as a "no-talent bag of gas."
4. My hairpiece is flame-resistant, not flame-proof.
3. Mujibur: Nice guy. Sirajul: Son of a bitch.
2. Dan Rather is all hands.
1. Do 1,000 shows for CBS and you're looking at a brand new toaster, cowboy!

Top Ten Rap Names or Meteorological Terms

10. Heavy Down Pour
9. Vanilla Ice
8. Slick Conditions
7. T-Storms
6. Snoop Smoggy Smog
5. Salt 'N' Permafrost
4. Puff Cloudy
3. The Notorious F.O.G.
2. L.L. Nino
1. Al Roker