Top Ten Ways to Make Filing Taxes More Exciting

10. New law: everyone pays what they want, Bill Gates takes care of the rest.
9. Have H. Block fight R. Block on "Jerry Springer."
8. New tax form envelope that reads: "You may already owe ten million dollars!"
7. List your income as "whatever I find on the floor of the D train."
6. Instead of mailing in your returns, a guy dressed as Uncle Sam goes door-to-door collecting, and you're allowed to kick his ass.
5. One in every five W-2 forms will burst into flames when you write on it.
4. Find Waldo in your 1040, and win a million-dollar refund!
3. New question on tax form: "Name someone you'd like us to audit till their ears bleed."
2. IRS must tell you if Clinton deducts your wife as an entertainment expense.
1. Voluntarily enclose a urine sample.

Top Ten Other Ways Bill Clinton is the Luckiest Man In the World

10. Everyone assumes that all of Tipper Gore's kids are Al's.
9. According to the latest letter from Ed McMahon, he may be the winner of ten million dollars!
8. New Air Force One will be equipped with a Mexican love hammock.
7. Can eat as much as wants and not gain...well, he can eat as much as he wants.
6. He's got a patient, understanding wife, and Hillary's never found out about her.
5. Nobody knows he killed Jacques Cousteau.
4. As president, receives copies of the "Garfield" comic strip several days in advance.
3. Portrayed in movie by John Travolta, not George "Goober" Lindsey.
2. The American people haven't drop-kicked his fat ass back to Arkansas.
1. Starting next week -- a fresh crop of interns.

Paula Jonses' Lawyers Top Ten Excuses

10. Got tired of being paid with cases of hairspray.
9. We're not actually lawyers, just really big fans of "Ally McBeal."
8. Bad idea to have Paula try on that glove from the O.J. trial.
7. Jacoby pulled his weight, but Meyers sucked.
6. We're pretty sure Bubba banged the judge's gavel, if you know what we mean.
5. That smooth-talkin' hillbilly's got everyone hornswoggled.
4. Forgot to cover up Paula's "Show me the money" tattoo.
3. El Nino blew away dozens of crucial documents.
2. Who can concentrate on all those dull legal papers when Jerry Springer is on?
1. Frankly, we're not very good lawyers.

Top Ten ways President Clinton Will Celebrate the Paula Jones Decision

10. Appear on "60 Minutes" and tell Ed Bradley, "Damn straight I was aroused."
9. Borrow the deep sea craft they used in "Titanic", join the Three-Miles-Deep Club.
8. For the first time this year, he'll actually kiss Hillary.
7. Get to work on the other fourteen lawsuits pending against him.
6. Call Paula Jones and say, "I know we've had our differences, but how 'bout a date?"
5. Enjoy giant stack of pancakes while groping Mrs. Butterworth.
4. Stay up all night harassing himself.
3. At press conference, drop pants and shout, "I'm the king of the world!"
2. Call Kenneth Starr in middle of night and say, "Subpoena this!"
1. "Throw out a case" of Corona.

Top Ten Rejected Major League Baseball Expansion Teams

10. The Fort Wayne Philbins
9. The Omaha Underachievers
8. The Rapid City Rappin' Grannies
7. The Sacramento Floridians
6. The Honolulu Hakamalahainamukululeis
5. The Old El Paso Taco Kits
4. The Georgia Groinpulls
3. The St. Paul Shaffers
2. The New Orleans Nancy Boys
1. The Washington Interns